Missed That Memo

In all of my reading about having a baby and caring for a newborn, somehow I missed the memo that informs new moms that breastfeeding is not easy. It isn't natural. Sure, its not artificial and yes, mom and baby both have reflexes that help with the process. But it is a complicated action for the baby that in many ways must be learned and it can be a painful experience for the mom whose body (though meant to do this) has never been required to do this before.

I would have to say that breastfeeding is hands down my least favorite part of parenting. And yet it is simultaneously my favorite part as well. The first few weeks when Papillon did nothing but sleep, and eat; I loved loved loved to feed her. It was really the only way to interact with her, and it was a special thing that only I, her mother, got to do with her. It was awesome.
But it was painful. Very painful. Painful in such a way that I would rather birth a 9+lb baby with no drugs a couple times over rather than go through the pain of breastfeeding again.

Lest that be a hugely terrifying statement to those of you who are anticipating birth/nursing, let me clarify a bit before I go further.
First of all - labor pain, for me, was a "good pain" (note: "good" here does not mean fun or unpainful; it was still unfun and very painful); a productive supposed-to-be-happening kind of pain. It was also largely a muscles-straining kind of pain. Nursing pain (for me) is more of a burning, stinging, raw sores kind of pain that I could in no way convince myself was "good". That made it worse.
Secondly - I shall say before I go any further, that at almost 7 weeks into this breastfeeding adventure, I am very glad that I stuck with it. The bad parts go away eventually, and the good parts are here to stay. So, in my book, its worth it.


That said that first 2-3 weeks were mostly miserable. My body was not taking well to this new adventure. I had soothing creams, cool gel pads, motrin and all sorts of other things to try and easy the pain. But there were a number of days at the beginning where I would honestly feel sick with anticipation of the next time I would have to feed her.
When I did sit down to feed her, I would wait for her to open her mouth really wide, but rather than seizing that moment to latch her on, I would pull her away. Chickening out at the last moment because I knew it was going to hurt like crazy. This obviously made Papillon upset, which, in turn, made me upset.

Lots of crying happened every 2-3 hours those first weeks.

The worst was the morning that I bled. Papillon was munching away. It hurt, but I was clenching my teeth (a lot of that happened the first couple weeks as well) and getting through it. But then Papillon grimaced and moved her head away. Her little mouth was covered in blood. After panicking briefly, I realized I was bleeding, not Papillon. That made it better momentarily, until I realized....I was bleeding... from nursing...I didn't know that could happen.

Yes, they bleed. And crack. And blister. And those blisters pop. And it's as painful as it sounds. It's painful to shower; its painful to get dressed; its painful to nurse.

The solution (generally) = just keep nursing.
Nurse through the pain.
And keep applying creams and cold packs and taking motrin.But the craziest healer of all...give them air. Now that's a classy aspect of newborn parenting no one mentioned.


So I soldiered through. But my determination was being sabotaged. Papillon was losing weight. Papillon at her smallest - about 3 weeks.

Not just the kind of weight that all newborns lose and then regain. She was legitimately not eating enough and losing weight. At a weight check at 3 weeks, she was still losing weight, not even bottoming out, still losing; and at that point it was time to change plans.

We met with a lactation consultant who informed us that much of Papillon's "eating" was unproductive sleep-sucking. Two things needed to happen. One, we needed to convince my body that it needed to make more milk (It had pretty much given up making anything since Papillon was eating much of anything). And two, we needed to teach Papillon to eat what I was making. To help with the first problem, we got one of these: A hospital grade breast pump. That looks like it belongs in a museum.
It came with strict instructions to use it after every single time that I fed Papillon.

We also got some feeding syringes which we would use to squirt a little milk (formula, or pumped breast milk if I had any) in her mouth when she started dozing off while nursing. This would remind her what she was doing so that she would keep up with the sucking.

While these tools were very helpful, it made feedings (now strictly 2 hours apart in the day, and 3 at night.) take over an hour (when you include that crazy pumping machine). 10 feedings a day at an hour plus = approximately 12 hours of nursing. Oh boy.
But I didn't mind the time so much as the fact that nursing now felt incredibly mechanical and hugely unattractive (pumping is hard on ones vanity...).

Well, the pumping machine did its job, but with milk production up came a new pain. "Let-down" pain. Possibly the hardest to explain; its almost a burning sensation, but not really. It kind of feels like a lot of pressure, but not really. Really, its just very uncomfortable. And happens at the most random times.

It was around about 4 weeks that I was pretty much at rock bottom.
Between the pumping, the soreness and Papillon not gaining weight my confidence as a mother was pretty much nilch.

Then it began to turn around.
It was at about 1 month mark that the soreness started going away. The blisters healed, the bleeding stopped and the cracks got smaller. Currently I still wouldn't call it pain-free; but its close.
At 5 weeks we returned the hospital pump. It served its purpose for which I am grateful, but I am pretty sure I will hate pumping for the rest of my life.
At about 6 weeks I stopped using the syringes.
And just recently (here at 6.5 weeks), I think I am finally confident that my nursing is sufficient for Papillon and that she is going to keep growing properly.
The let-down pain still happens. I don't know when, if ever, that will stop. But compared to where we were just a few weeks ago I can deal with this pain (and I am learning to deal with it without applying counter-pressure...which is not really a socially acceptable thing to do in public...)

I still take it personally when people tell me my baby is "tiny". They mean well, but they don't know the story behind her "tiny-ness". She may be tiny (approx 9.5 lbs, thank you very much), but I have worked very hard for every ounce of her. We didn't give up and we have made it through the worst part.

If you have stuck with me through this super long post, allow me to conclude with a final thought and some advice.

Final Thought: This is obviously only my own experience with breastfeeding. Every woman is different. For some its easier. For some (I shudder to think) its harder (Thankfully, I have not experienced an infection or a blocked duct or anything).
The moral of this story is this: If breastfeeding is hard for you, you are not alone. Everyone makes it look easy, but for very few people is it as easy (at the beginning) as it looks. Last week I went to a La Leche League meeting, and while I am not as hard core with the nursing as they are (many of the women there nursed their kids until they were 2, 3, 4 or even 5 years old), it was incredibly encouraging. There were women there who are currently going through what I have been going through, and also women who had been there, done that and survived to say it was worth it.

So my advice if you are new to breastfeeding, or anticipating it sometime in the future:
1) Nurse as soon as you possibly can after the baby is born (Due to circumstances largely beyond my control I didn't nurse Papillon until she was probably about 5 hours old)
2) Meet with a lactation consultant even if things seem to be going ok. They really do know what they are doing, and if things are going well the can at least encourage you and boost your confidence
3) Find people you can comfortably talk to about breastfeeding. La Leche folks, friends who are breastfeeding, etc etc. Anyone who will support and encourage you.
4) And don't be afraid to admit its going badly and/or its not fun. You are not failing just because its hard. And it WILL get better. It may take 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 4 months.
But it will get better.