Some one asked recently if I was nervous about the upcoming adventure known as "labor". The simple answer to that question is yes and no. The complicated answer is...well, complicated. Let me see if I can explain...though I doubt it will be coherent. Emotions are rarely coherently verbalized, and hormone-influenced emotions are at least twice as crazy.
I shall start by saying that my least favorite part of pregnancy (and yes, I know that I have been blessed with a super-easy uncomplicated one, for which I am hugely grateful) is the hormone induced emotions. Inside of a minute, the very same thought can completely terrify me, and then completely thrill me. I have, in almost the same thought, concluded that I am going to be a mothering failure and then surmised that there is no way I could do any less than rock the socks off of mothering. In regards to labor, most moments I am fairly calm and non-emotional about the subject, but then there will be moments where (again, in the same thought) I panic and wonder why I would bother trying to do this without drugs, I hate pain, I hate long lasting hard work, and I really don't think that an epidural will do long term damage to my baby then I get excited because deep down inside I know I can do this, I know I have prepared for this, and I know its going to be the most wonderfully rewarding miserable and difficult thing I have ever done.
I hate all kinds of roller coasters, amusement park rides, and emotional highs and lows included.
I also hate change. Being pregnant has been a fun change, a very gradual natural feeling change. Papillon's arrival will prompt a much less gradual change, and sometimes that freaks me out. Which is why, I think, that at 38+ weeks pregnant, I am still totally cool with being pregnant for some time. I know she will come eventually, and I will love it when she does (I always adjust better to change than I anticipate) - but, as with most change, I am not overly eager to make the jump.
In terms of actual tangible fears about labor...
...I am not afraid of having the baby on the way to the hospital. Everyone asks this, since the hospital we picked is 35 minutes away. This would not be ideal, but, really, I doubt its going to happen; and if it does, it just means she came super fast, which is fine by me.
....I am afraid of being induced. Babies come late sometimes, I am cool with that. And as long as she is doing well, and I am doing well, I really really really don't want to be induced.
....I am not afraid of the pain. And yes, I may be naive, this is my first baby, so I am allowed to be; I do understand it will be worse than I can probably imagine, but that doesn't scare me. The pain can't kill me.
....I am afraid of a long labor. The pain won't kill me, but exhaustion could get the best of me.
....I am not afraid of medical intervention, if necessary. As a good friend of mine told me, there is no blue ribbon or gold star for going naturally. Medfree, drugged up, or surgically operated on, Papillon is what I get when its all said and done.
.....I am afraid of not being supported in my intervention/med-free goals. While I think the hospital will be supportive (they say they will respect the mother's wishes in all things), I do worry about this. I am not very good at voicing my opinion even when not in huge amounts of pain. Thank heavens for Mon Amour in this regard, and the fact that I trust him implicitly; I suspect I will be totally relying on him to ward off any kind of medical intervention unless he believes it necessary.
All in all, I would say I am feeling pretty confident about labor. I just keep reminding my self that one day it will just start (Lord willing on its own), and then, eventually, it WILL end. And it will end with Papillon in my arms. What happens in the middle (and on either end of course) is in God's hands.
That does not preclude me from my fair share of freak out moments.
Like the moment a couple weeks ago, when, after 2 showers, while going through Papillon's clothes, I realized she had no socks. Some how it didn't bother me that we didn't have a car seat, a stroller, a breast pump or a pack n play (all of which we have now, thanks to the generosity of our amazing friends). But when I realized she had absolutely no socks, I just started crying. I knew it was a dumb reason to cry. My logical mind knew it was not a crisis, but, because my baby had no socks, (and thanks to my wonderful hormones) I couldn't stop crying.
When I freak out about other stuff, I remember the sock moment, remind myself that I am very hormonal, and sit back and wait for this roller coaster-esque emotional drop to start climbing again.
And in case you are curious, thanks to a wonderful friend, who has been so good listening to my random worries, Papillon is now well stocked in the adorable sock department.
I shall start by saying that my least favorite part of pregnancy (and yes, I know that I have been blessed with a super-easy uncomplicated one, for which I am hugely grateful) is the hormone induced emotions. Inside of a minute, the very same thought can completely terrify me, and then completely thrill me. I have, in almost the same thought, concluded that I am going to be a mothering failure and then surmised that there is no way I could do any less than rock the socks off of mothering. In regards to labor, most moments I am fairly calm and non-emotional about the subject, but then there will be moments where (again, in the same thought) I panic and wonder why I would bother trying to do this without drugs, I hate pain, I hate long lasting hard work, and I really don't think that an epidural will do long term damage to my baby then I get excited because deep down inside I know I can do this, I know I have prepared for this, and I know its going to be the most wonderfully rewarding miserable and difficult thing I have ever done.
I hate all kinds of roller coasters, amusement park rides, and emotional highs and lows included.
I also hate change. Being pregnant has been a fun change, a very gradual natural feeling change. Papillon's arrival will prompt a much less gradual change, and sometimes that freaks me out. Which is why, I think, that at 38+ weeks pregnant, I am still totally cool with being pregnant for some time. I know she will come eventually, and I will love it when she does (I always adjust better to change than I anticipate) - but, as with most change, I am not overly eager to make the jump.
In terms of actual tangible fears about labor...
...I am not afraid of having the baby on the way to the hospital. Everyone asks this, since the hospital we picked is 35 minutes away. This would not be ideal, but, really, I doubt its going to happen; and if it does, it just means she came super fast, which is fine by me.
....I am afraid of being induced. Babies come late sometimes, I am cool with that. And as long as she is doing well, and I am doing well, I really really really don't want to be induced.
....I am not afraid of the pain. And yes, I may be naive, this is my first baby, so I am allowed to be; I do understand it will be worse than I can probably imagine, but that doesn't scare me. The pain can't kill me.
....I am afraid of a long labor. The pain won't kill me, but exhaustion could get the best of me.
....I am not afraid of medical intervention, if necessary. As a good friend of mine told me, there is no blue ribbon or gold star for going naturally. Medfree, drugged up, or surgically operated on, Papillon is what I get when its all said and done.
.....I am afraid of not being supported in my intervention/med-free goals. While I think the hospital will be supportive (they say they will respect the mother's wishes in all things), I do worry about this. I am not very good at voicing my opinion even when not in huge amounts of pain. Thank heavens for Mon Amour in this regard, and the fact that I trust him implicitly; I suspect I will be totally relying on him to ward off any kind of medical intervention unless he believes it necessary.
All in all, I would say I am feeling pretty confident about labor. I just keep reminding my self that one day it will just start (Lord willing on its own), and then, eventually, it WILL end. And it will end with Papillon in my arms. What happens in the middle (and on either end of course) is in God's hands.
That does not preclude me from my fair share of freak out moments.
Like the moment a couple weeks ago, when, after 2 showers, while going through Papillon's clothes, I realized she had no socks. Some how it didn't bother me that we didn't have a car seat, a stroller, a breast pump or a pack n play (all of which we have now, thanks to the generosity of our amazing friends). But when I realized she had absolutely no socks, I just started crying. I knew it was a dumb reason to cry. My logical mind knew it was not a crisis, but, because my baby had no socks, (and thanks to my wonderful hormones) I couldn't stop crying.
When I freak out about other stuff, I remember the sock moment, remind myself that I am very hormonal, and sit back and wait for this roller coaster-esque emotional drop to start climbing again.
And in case you are curious, thanks to a wonderful friend, who has been so good listening to my random worries, Papillon is now well stocked in the adorable sock department.
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing this! I can't believe you are getting so close to meeting your sweet baby! I totally feel for you on the hormone induced emotion thing. I'll be praying for you guys during these last few weeks as you anticipate this terrifying and exciting (all in the same thought=) change! You will make a great mom!
Hehe thanks for answering my question so fully. Our opinions (and fears) are much the same in this area, so of course I think you're being completely reasonable. ;-) There's so much more I could say in the way of advice, encouragement, and lovin', but I'll wait until we see you guys next week.
Post a Comment